Monday, December 8, 2008

You know who I am, wanna know who/what I'm not?

I am not necessarily proud of all the things I have done, or the ways I have acted, but I have no regrets. Good or bad, everything I have experienced and the mistakes I have made have brought me to the here and now. I am pretty proud to be this person.

I am not a morning person. I am not able to do much without coffee. I am not able to work for a corporation, selling or marketing a product. I need to believe I am making a difference. I am not working in a non-profit now simply because I can’t afford to, paying off my debt is more important to me. The way the staff at my old job supported each other and directly affected so many lives of others, made me feel like I was a part of something awesome. I was not happy to leave, but I am not sad that I am here and not there. The women I work with are amazing and I am learning a lot from them. I am not selling out; I find ways to find that feeling in my job. I do help people, everyday. Just in a different way. This is also why I volunteer.

I am not terribly interested in achievements, acclaim and accolades. At the end of the day, I care about relationships – how I impact the lives of others and how they have affected me. I am not against acknowledgement of a job well done; I just prefer it to be one on one and not in front of others. I am not bilingual, though I wish I was. I know the basics of three languages (other than English) – Italian, Spanish and French – but I don’t practice and therefore speak them rather poorly.

I am not good at letting go. I am not a push over, anymore. I am not able to cut people out of my life. I am not able to give up. I have gotten better at this, cutting out those who are truly destructive. I am not able to say no, easily. Usually, this means that I take on far too much and have no time for myself. Sometimes it means I burn out a little and becoming a raging pile of tears. Regardless, I am unable to change my ways. I am not one to give in to peer pressure, I never have been. I am not a fan of liars, cheaters, people who are fake, ignorant or arrogant.

I am not always the best sister, daughter, friend, or girlfriend. I try to be, because these people are an important part of who I am, where I came from, and where I am going. I am not able to put myself first. I am not able to stand idly by while someone I love is hurting. I am not able to fix everything, I realize this, but I want to be able to fix everyone else’s problems so desperately. I am not good at speaking up when I am hurting or when I need help. I am not able to just brush off hurtful comments. I am not able to deal easily when I feel attacked.

I am not, nor have I ever been able to, settle for a boyfriend. I am not a girl who loses herself, and her previous life, when entering a relationship. I am not a girl who forgets her friends. I am not someone who is afraid to be alone. I am not dependent.
I am not a nail biter, anymore. I am not able to sleep when I am stressed out, worried or upset. I am not exactly sure what I will be doing in 5 or 10 years, but I know who I want it to be doing it with.

I am not good at making inane decisions, such as where to go for supper. I am not necessarily indecisive, if I can’t make a decision it just means I don’t care either way. I care more about who I do those things with. I am not high maintenance, though I am developing a taste for more expensive wines. In my defense, I buy them myself. And I still like the cheap ones, too.

I am not a girl’s girl, or I didn’t use to be anyway. I do not like shopping in groups, or shopping at all very much. I am not one to really want to go out and dance, though it can be fun once in a while. I am not against dingy, hole-in-the-wall pubs. In fact, I prefer them. I am not very spontaneous. I am not anti-spontaneity, but I like to have plans. I am not a girl who watches football for the men, nachos or beer, though I also enjoy these parts of the game. I watch it for the game, which I find intelligent, fun and delightfully macho.

I am not always awesome with money, or directions. I am getting better at both. I am not able to shop at thrift stores. I am not good at finding awesome finds, which causes me to feel frustrated very easily.

I’m not usually good at making small talk with strangers. I’m not as shy as I used to be. However, I am not ever very good at answering when someone asks, “So, tell me about yourself.” I am not one to ever want to be the centre of attention, it embarrasses me.

I am not as sweet and innocent as I seem. I am not someone who will compromise who I am for anything. I am not always confident in myself, even when I have the right to be. I am not able to talk myself up in job interviews as much as I’ve been told I should. I once had an HR person speak up on my behalf, adding to the interview that it has been noted that I am too humble. I am not able to remember that I have more awards in my field than the number of years I have been working in aforementioned field.

I am not the best chef, though I love to bake. I like to knit, though I can’t seem to find the time for it anymore (see: I am not able to say no). I am not very good at keeping plants alive, lately, though I love them oh-so much. I'm not as green as I'd like to be, ideally. I am not a music snob. I will listen to anything, then decide whether I enjoy it or not. I am not above listening to something merely because someone else really enjoys it; even it’s not my personal favourite. I am not done learning. Though I may be taking day-long workshops or courses for work for a little while, I love school and would like to go back eventually.
I am not one who doesn’t give credit where credit is due. This post is spawned from similar ones penned by the lovely Kyla and Brookem.


Kyla Bea said...

This is a great post - it's really compelling to read things that you're not - I think because the things we're not are items we've really had to make a decision about.

You're beautiful, and I it's good to know these things about who you aren't!

brookem said...

so psyched to see others are doing the NOT post!
i love reading all of the "nots"-- it's interesting to hear what people don't usually share about themselves, and how we usually think about a person based more on what they ARE rather than what they're NOT.

rachel said...

this was so amazing, i really enjoyed reading it. xox

Sarah said...

Nice post. And such a pretty picture!

sarahbelledotcom said...

1. you are awesome.
2. you are gorgeous.
3. "I am not good at letting go." me, fucking, neither.