Looking back

Twenty-something Bloggers' June blog carnival is all about looking back. In looking back at some of my earliest posts on this blog, most of them were about newsy things. I ranted and raved about my beliefs and celebrated those doing good things. The one I'm commenting on today, Date with the Night, was one of the very few about me personally. Over the past two years, I've gotten increasingly comfortable talking about myself, not caring who reads it. I am me, deal with it.

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Date with the Night

Ah, Date night last night.It's been a while since I've been out and about and going on dates... which is probably why I agreed to go on this one in the first place. However, it merely convinced me of two things I already knew:
1) Dude was really nice and everything went fine, but I'm just not that into him.
2) I really am not a fan of dating.

I'm surrounded by girls who tend to measure themselves with the amount of interest that accumulates around them and I'm just not one of these. In my girl-power, independent woman way, I'm entirely alright with not having a boyfriend or anything. My last uber-serious relationship ended because I got sucked into it and forgot what I wanted out of life... hell, if I was still in it, I would still be living around London (Ontario, not UK). I'm so much better off out here, knowing what I want, working towards my own happiness.

Lately, I've been trying to explain this to Kik, one of the sisters. At 18, she seems to think that if she doesn't have a boyfriend, she's undesirable. Please! There are so many beautiful, intelligent women out there making themselves crazy over the male population. I'd rather just go with the flow and ride that wave when it hits.

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I found it interesting to see where I was at then in the pre-Boy days, and how it still applies. I still hate dating. I'm still independent and opinionated. The only difference is that I've found a boy who lets me be me. He celebrates my involvement in my community, he supports my decision to go back to school, and he acknowledges that I don't always have to agree with what he believes. In short, he's a-okay.

As the countdown to cohabitation is now on with a vengence, it's reassuring to know that I haven't waivered from being the person I was in January 2007.

This post is a part of 20SB’s Looking Back Blog Carnival, and Ben & Jerry’s is awarding free ice cream to lucky bloggers and their readers!

So here I am with open arms

It feels strange that after three years of accumulating, of adding to the two suitcases I dragged off the airplane, I'm decluttering.

I'm going through old pieces from my portfolio, deeming them expired. I'm throwing out old goodbye, thank you, and happy birthday messages. I tossed a stack of pictures feeling confident that if I ever care to replace them, printing is only a click away. It's easy to get lost while sitting on the floor with my legs crossed, falling deep into old memories, old decisions, the old me. I got rid of a couple of uninspired knitting projects, but the bin of yarn I keep under my bed is still overflowing. My "to read" stack of books gets unstacked and shoved into boxes, no doubt pushed aside for the next couple of years. I spend time on the phone with anyone who sends me mail, informing them of the change. I take my time walking to work, inhaling the feeling of downtown.

"Maybe it's good you're moving in over time," said Kitty. "That way, maybe he won't realize how much stuff you have."

The ever-fashionable A

When I had my first "date" with Andrea over at Miet et Cannelle, I was terrified. Her blog shows the world that she's this lovely little bundle of beautiful imagery, a cool philosopher, and all around the person you want on your team when the world comes down to choosing sides. That night, over a bottle of red, I became just a little more intimidated. But in a good way. Over the past months, she's been a calming force over my life as we get together over some sort of beverage (caffeinated or alcoholic) to chat. Being around her makes me happy. Sometimes it makes me feel incredibly excited to head back to school, since I need some schoolin' to bring me up to her level, but it makes me happy. Happy to be around someone so clever, so creative, and so appealing.

This week, Andrea's Summer Street Style issue of SEE Magazine hit the newstands. It was a ton of work, but like her, it's absolutely lovely. You should check it out.

Friend, I couldn't be more proud.

The defensive line had no penetration

I love football. Canadian football. Last night, B and I took the parents to the Esks' first pre-season game against our beloved Roughriders. Spending a few hours draped in green and a blanket, sipping beer from a plastic cup, shouting to "just run faster", and wincing when someone gets hit really hard makes me ridiculously happy. The stress of the world melted away as the wind whipped my hair and B's arm around me kept away the chill. The view from our seats for the season was perfect, the amount of periphenalia you could purchase was ridiculous, and a glance to the boy beside me kept me warm from the inside-out.

It's going to be a great season. Even though we have to cheer for the Eskimos.

Things that make me happy III

1. My awesome coworker and friend, who ran off with me at lunch yesterday for a gin and tonic/vent session. Being the boss can be stressful, but a good friend like her makes it okay.
2. The Boy, Kitty, cribbage and wine on the balcony. Even though I didn't win.
3. Homemade frappes/iced capps and the lovely Kitty. So delicious. I love going home to her and delicious cold coffee-like beverages over chit-chat and Sex and the City.
4. The Boy's parents are coming up tomorrow and they're staying for a week. His lovely parents are going to help paint the house among other things. I hate painting so much. They are also bringing some of their homemade wine. And they are just all-around lovely people.
5. Soccer.
6. The Boy.
7. Wine.

ch-ch-ch-changes

I've been a little miserable, just in case you didn't realize this.

I'm terrible at confrontation. I hate hurting people's feelings. I light a match to burn a bridge, blow it out, and apologize to the bridge instead. My angry feelings bubble and brew until it becomes a very angry volcano.

So I'm making changes. I'm remembering the importance of surrounding yourself with positive, respectful friends who enrich your life rather than disrupt it. I'm mentally listing my limits. I'm reevaluating people and their influence. I'm stating my demands. I'm ensuring that with all the stress on the horizon, I'm taken care of first. For once, I'm choosing to satisfy my needs above others.

And it feels good.

"The beauty of the world about us is only

according to what we ourselves bring to it."

Shaker saying

I take it back

I'd rather the anger than the back stabbing and lies.

working hard to get my fill

I'm not too ashamed to admit that sometimes, when I have a bad day, I turn to Journey videos on YouTube.

I've been pulled in so many directions lately that I was beginning to feel like I was being torn in two (or more). At work, I'm wearing the hats of boss lady, writer and media star, which is surprisingly harmonious except when big boss' pregnancy hormones are raging. I'm trying to find balance between friends and the Boy, and failing miserably. I'm trying to refuel but can't, as any extra time I have is used to satisfy other commitments. I've never really done the me time thing, as any spare time I have is given to friends who make me feel guilty for spending so much time with the Boy, or with the Boy, who has finally exploded in a "but I'm your boyfriend and I'd like to see you sometimes" rage.

The little sister is a shining light in all of this, which isn't helping anyone really. When I was feeling all frustrated to tears, she simply told me to do what makes me happy and screw the rest. Her words helped me figure it out, but then when what typically made me happy became just another obligation to fulfill, she became my default. While everyone else was having a virtual tug-of-war with my emotions, she became my solitude merely because she's just happy when I'm happy.